Monday, August 28, 2006

In the past two weeks I have experienced more emotion than one person should have to deal with in a year. I went from being quite cheery, to hitting an emotional rock bottom. I have lost friends, experienced one of the scariest things for a 17 year old girl, started in a school almost completely alone, felt disappointed when my man had other plans, got mad at myself for eating too much, felt hungry from not eating at all, felt abandoned while sitting next to the phone waiting for him to call, felt more jealous than I ever have in my life, felt completely helpless, and though there is more, I will stop there.

After crying at almost every moment that I was alone for the last weeks, while I drove home tonight, I couldn't cry. But this was the first time I wanted to cry. I was on the verge of tears the whole way home, and still, even now. But I find myself emotionaless and dry.

I wrote this poem during my sophomore year as an assignment in my honors English class. I think it was just before a holiday and the idea was that we would write it for a family member it give it to them, but I didn't do that.

this poem is for my friend ____
who is the best friend I have ever had
whose tired green eyes
hidden behind glasses
look back at me from a world I feel privileged
to be a part of
who helps me with my homework
who feeds me a complement
when I need one most
he drives me home after a stressful school day
in his 85 Century Buick
with a giant crack in the windshield
which grows larger every time I see it
I always complain about the falling
fabric ceiling in his car
we skate around the ice rink
talking about how I can be witty like him
afterwards we enjoy a root beer float shake
at dreamers cafe
he tells me his crazy ideas
like mailing spam
and recycling Egg Roll King
and "family joules"
he obsesses about seatbelts
if they are not put back very neatly
he asks me what he should wear the next day
and almost never actually wears what it is I tell him to wear.
sometimes he plans his clothing to clash on purpose
his style is nothing like anyone else
his musical talent is broader
than most musicians of his age
my best times have been times I spend with him
and this it why I write this poem
with great respect and compassion
to my best friend

Much of that poem is no longer true. Actually, very little of it is true. My respect and compassion remain the same, but the relationship has been through so many obstacles since then. He and I have been through countless experiences together. He is, was, and always will be a big part of my life. I feel certain that he would say the same for me. Losing him is an incredibly difficult thing for me, even though I know I am not truly losing him. It was so hard to say goodbye. I didn't want to let go. I now sit staring at the pictures of the two of us that are in frames next to my computer wearing his bracelet and the scarf he brought me back from Scotland.

He is not my best friend anymore. He is still one of my closest, but not the best. I lied to my best friend a few times tonight. But sometimes it is just necessary. I apologize, and I refuse to tell you which parts I lied about, but please know it was just so you would not treat me like I am fragile or sensitive, because I want to know what is going on inside your head. Enough said...

Virginia Faith at 9:59 PM

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{xoxo}

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