Monday, August 28, 2006

In the past two weeks I have experienced more emotion than one person should have to deal with in a year. I went from being quite cheery, to hitting an emotional rock bottom. I have lost friends, experienced one of the scariest things for a 17 year old girl, started in a school almost completely alone, felt disappointed when my man had other plans, got mad at myself for eating too much, felt hungry from not eating at all, felt abandoned while sitting next to the phone waiting for him to call, felt more jealous than I ever have in my life, felt completely helpless, and though there is more, I will stop there.

After crying at almost every moment that I was alone for the last weeks, while I drove home tonight, I couldn't cry. But this was the first time I wanted to cry. I was on the verge of tears the whole way home, and still, even now. But I find myself emotionaless and dry.

I wrote this poem during my sophomore year as an assignment in my honors English class. I think it was just before a holiday and the idea was that we would write it for a family member it give it to them, but I didn't do that.

this poem is for my friend ____
who is the best friend I have ever had
whose tired green eyes
hidden behind glasses
look back at me from a world I feel privileged
to be a part of
who helps me with my homework
who feeds me a complement
when I need one most
he drives me home after a stressful school day
in his 85 Century Buick
with a giant crack in the windshield
which grows larger every time I see it
I always complain about the falling
fabric ceiling in his car
we skate around the ice rink
talking about how I can be witty like him
afterwards we enjoy a root beer float shake
at dreamers cafe
he tells me his crazy ideas
like mailing spam
and recycling Egg Roll King
and "family joules"
he obsesses about seatbelts
if they are not put back very neatly
he asks me what he should wear the next day
and almost never actually wears what it is I tell him to wear.
sometimes he plans his clothing to clash on purpose
his style is nothing like anyone else
his musical talent is broader
than most musicians of his age
my best times have been times I spend with him
and this it why I write this poem
with great respect and compassion
to my best friend

Much of that poem is no longer true. Actually, very little of it is true. My respect and compassion remain the same, but the relationship has been through so many obstacles since then. He and I have been through countless experiences together. He is, was, and always will be a big part of my life. I feel certain that he would say the same for me. Losing him is an incredibly difficult thing for me, even though I know I am not truly losing him. It was so hard to say goodbye. I didn't want to let go. I now sit staring at the pictures of the two of us that are in frames next to my computer wearing his bracelet and the scarf he brought me back from Scotland.

He is not my best friend anymore. He is still one of my closest, but not the best. I lied to my best friend a few times tonight. But sometimes it is just necessary. I apologize, and I refuse to tell you which parts I lied about, but please know it was just so you would not treat me like I am fragile or sensitive, because I want to know what is going on inside your head. Enough said...

Virginia Faith at 9:59 PM

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Friday, August 25, 2006

This afternoon I was practicing my YSO music, when my mother walked through the door with the mail. In the mail was a package for me. I picked up the package and immediately noticed my name and address on the front in Chris' handwriting. I quickly opened the package and there it was, Chris' book. I quickly put away my violin and opened the book. Inside it was signed, "To Virginia- With Admiration and Affection. Love Always," and his signature. Admiration and affection, love always. I wonder if he knows that those few words completely made my day.

I began to play through some of the pieces. They were just as difficult as I expected. The only ones I could even attempt were the ones I had spent hours listening to over and over again, because I knew in my mind exactly how they were supposed to sound. I came up to a piece called Talk Show Host. It is my favorite piece of Chris' . I looked at the first chord, went to play it, and realized that it was not physically possible for me to reach the chord. I couldn't reach the next, or the next, or the next. The only way for me to play every note in the chords was to roll the notes, and I can affirmatively say that Chris does not play them that way. After awhile I just started leaving the top note of the chords out. My goodness Chris has a very wide reach, his music is definitely written for men, not women. Just the same, I love that I now have this book. It is so amazing; so much effort was put into every page of this book, of which there are many!

Virginia Faith at 10:44 PM

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Saturday, August 19, 2006

My Semester Schedule:

0-Strings (Willis)
1-English (Halcomb)
2-Pacific Rim (Ross)
3-AP Stats (Worthen)
4-Power Walking (Johnson)
5-AP Government (Ross)

Virginia Faith at 12:19 AM

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I stood in the hallway, standing on the freshly tiled asbestos free floor, feeling as though my purpose in life is to fix all communication errors in the public school music departments, when mystery man walks by, smiles, and tells me not to roll my eyes. I have two classes with him this semester. I fear he will be rolling his eyes at me much sooner than I will be rolling my eyes at him. Ye of little faith...

Virginia Faith at 12:13 AM

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

It is always so hard for me to leave Chris, he such an amazing man/musician.

Trip Totals:
Hugs from Chris = 5
Kisses from Chris = 3!

On Saturday night we went to an orchestra concert in Sunriver, Oregon. Chris was doing a Mozart piano concerto in the second half. I went to the will call to pick up my tickets. I gave them my name, and they were there, just as Chris said they would be! We went inside to find our seats and it was a small theater. About 200 seats total, 30 of which where upstairs in the balcony. We had balcony seats! Our seats were looking directly down at the orchestra. They were top notch celebrity seats! During the intermission I went to go look around the building. The restrooms were behind the stage, which just so happened to be very near to the room were the musicians hung out. I was wondering around this hallway, looking into what rooms I could see into. And As I walk up a pair of stairs, I look behind me momentarily and there is a man in a long black concert jacket that zooms by. I knew right away that it was him. I merely saw the back of his head, but I knew.

He went over and sat a piano and began to play something for the conductor. I walked over and stood on the other side of the piano leaning on the wall. He looks up while he is playing and I wave. Then when he stops he smiles and says "Hi Virginia!" Then after a moment he gets up from the piano and gives me a hug (happy me) and says thank you for coming and asks how my seats are. And I later said how I was quite sure I wasn't actually allowed to be seeing him before he plays, and he replied in a who cares kind of way. He told me he had just been planning out his encore. I then went back to my seat. The second half began and Chris came out and I never once took my eyes off him. It is always amazing to watch him play. And where with most pianists I prefer to watch their hands, with Chris, I most definitely prefer to watch his face. His facial expressions when he plays are so incredibly vivid. I am quite certain I have mentioned this before.

After the concert I went backstage and we visited for awhile. I told him I was playing on applying to New England Conservatory (NEC), which is the college he went to. He was very excited about this and asked me if I had told them about my composing and not just my violin work, because "they needed to know about that and my accomplisments with that". We talked a little more and then I told him I'd see him on Tuesday and he gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye and I floated out of the concert hall with a smile ear to ear.

On Tuesday we went to his recital in Bend. Our seats were in the center of the hall, not spectacular, not terrible. He played a very entertaining first half. At intermission they were selling his CDs in the lobby. Now this audience was there mostly because they are Sunriver Music Festival regulars, not Christopher O'Riley regulars. So they all wanted one of his albums, but none of them knew anything about his albums, including the people selling them. So a person asked one of the women selling the CDs a question, and she told them that a certain CD was his first radiohead album. When I heard this I quickly went over and said, "Well actually, this album is his first radiohead album," grabbing a CD from the other side of the table. From there I began to tell all of the people buying CDs about them. I would ask them what they were looking for and then tell them a little about each of his albums. One lady behind the table asked me if I wanted to switch spots with her. They were all very impressed that I knew so much about him.

I went back into the theater for the second half, and instead of returning to my seat, I went and sat in an empty seat in the front row. I thought this seat was the best in the house. I was the closest person to him, I could see every expression on his face. I could hear him hum along with the pieces. Before he started to play the next piece he began to tell a story and part of the story was about his hero coming to one of his recitals, and how this made him feel. It was quite the same way that I would feel if he ever came something of mine. Only instead of pianist to pianist, it would be composer/arranger to composer/arranger.

After the Concert I went back to the CD table and continued helping people. He soon came out to sign CDs people were purchasing. He saw me telling people about his CDs, and then the woman sitting behind the table next to him says to him, "She has been selling your CDs. She knows everything about you!" He laughed a little and simply says, "I know." Then he says, "She's my agent!" This made me smile. Then a woman asked me about his radio show. I began to tell her and then she says, "well why don't we get it here?" I told her I wasn't a local but in my city it airs at 2pm on Mondays. Then she asks me, "Do you travel with him?" I loved that question. I only wish the answer had been yes.

I handed Chris the CD I had purchased there and he signed it. The first time he signed something for me he signed "With regards,", the next it was "With warm regards,". This time it was "With Love,". We talked awhile longer and he told me he would help me with my audition/application to NEC in any way he could. It was amazing. I got another hug and kiss and said goodbye and we left.

I was thinking about everything that had just happened, and just remembered that I had forgotten to get my picture taken with him again. So we went back inside, and he took his picture with me. We talked some more, then he hugged me and kissed me again, and we left for good.

It was so hard for me to leave him. It is such a different world with him, it is a world of being everything that you possibly can- not setting limits. Where my normal life is an awful lot of settling.

When I came back, I told all my friends to not let me settle for things anymore. I am not going to settle for UNR, am not settling for anything less than the best I possibly can.

Virginia Faith at 4:33 PM

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Friday, August 11, 2006

She calls me at noon today, thinking that I will still be sleeping. She says to me, "Since you deprived me of my sleep last night, I thought I would just deprive you of your sleep this morning." What she doesn't realize is that, even I can not sleep 12 hours every single day. I have my occasional last start. But for the most part, I am up and moving by 10.30. And even if I were awake, I just ignore the phone when it rings during my sleep. Does she honestly think I will answer? Besides, 11.30 is not an unreasonable time for a teenager to come.

Virginia Faith at 12:46 PM

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I'm not allowed to hang out at college boy's houses. ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE COLLEGE BOYS!!! (with the exception of a college girl.) I am being punished for hanging out with older kids. Tonight was just the welcome to hell I have been waiting for, and I have no other choice than to embrace it openly. Thank you for that confirmation that my senior year might as well be renamed hell year, after all, I'm no longer allowed to go to my friend's houses. It doesn't matter if we're not romantic. I wish with everything that I am that I had graduated early. If I could go back a year to make that happen, I would.

Virginia Faith at 12:10 AM

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Friday, August 04, 2006

Finally! Success! Who needs little black book boy when I've got someone ten times better. My latest is smarter, not annoying, way more attractive, has facial hair, has dark hair down to his shoulders, we like the same kind of music, we have fun jamming together, and he is totally laid back and care free. We'll see how long this one lasts.

Virginia Faith at 12:33 AM

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I had a very strange dream last night. And it is just coming back to me now, 3 hours after I woke up this morning.

Before I go into detail about the dream, let me once again explain that I am perfectly aware that Chris O'Riley is old enough to my my father, and is in fact very close to my father's age. More so, I would rather be him, living his life, than be with him. I think the dream is just a reaction to 2 things, (1) last night's unexpected rejection, and (2) my trip to go see Chris in less then two weeks.

I'm not sure where exactly I was, but the place kind of reminded me of the Hyatt I stayed in when I was in Indianapolis, which would make sense since this was the first place I laid eyes on Chris in person. It was after a recital of his that I went to, and we met for drinks in a little restaurant. We made small talk, when suddenly, he made a move on me. Surprisingly, I was okay with this, and even embraced it.

The next night he had another recital, and afterward I met him backstage at his dressing room for a little you're-my-hero-I-love-you get together. We left the recital together and later went to a high class, pretty wealthy party. He left me for a moment, I can not remember why, and I was sitting at a little table with very little light, just the ambiance of a small candle.

I sat there for awhile, and as I started to scope the room, I saw Chris, dancing with another woman. I tried to get up to confront him, but as I got closer to where I first eyed them, they kept getting further away, until finally, I could no longer see them.

I went off somewhere, pouting and having thoughts a lady should never have toward someone. The next day I was walking down an open hall, and Chris saw me, and I quickly darted into an empty dark room, to try and escape having to talk to him, but it was no use, he caught up to me. He tried to reason with me, but I wouldn't hear of it.

The next evening I was sitting in the restaurant where we had our first drink together. I was sitting with my back to the entrance. I suddenly felt someone touch my back. It was Chris, and then he came around and sat across the table from me. He began to explain how he cared dearly for me, and I meant more to him than this other woman could ever, but she was a more practical choice because she was closer in age. He then begged me to tell him what he should do, but I wouldn't.

His other woman entered the restaurant and he joined her at a table on the other side of the restaurant from me. I got up to leave, determined not to sit there in disgust. It was outside the restaurant that there was another man, waiting for me. We walked down the hall. We kept walking and were soon completely out of sight of the previous location. There was no one around and the man gently kissed me. I looked up and stunned, I saw Chris standing there in the distance starring at us. He had come after me, to tell me he had decided on me. But instead of finding me with open arms, he found me in the arms of another man.

We didn't talk after this for several years.

Finally after a great amount of time, I went to one of his recitals. At the reception I went and sat next to him, and we began talking. Though he had not been expecting me, and neither had known I was coming, he did not seem surprised by my presence. In fact, he showed little to no emotion toward it at all. We began talking as we did before that lustrous night when we enjoyed that first drink together.

Again, though I have fallen in love with Chris' music and piano playing over and over again, and I sincerely wished it were a person thirty years younger serenading me through my stereo, this dream,was and is just that, a dream. It is my thought, that this dream has much more to do with my experience with a certain ladies man (HA!) last night.

Virginia Faith at 1:40 PM

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{xoxo}