Uncanny Strange Dejavu

Saturday, July 07, 2007

I haven't blogged in along while. And even when I do post, it has not been consistent. It will hopefully continue to be this way, because honestly, the reason I haven't posted is because things have been awesome. Nick and I have been better than ever. This is hands down the best relationship I have ever had and he would tell you the same thing.

One terrible thing did happen recently however. My mom had recently been dating a guy for 8 months. He was her first real boyfriend since my parents divorced. She broke up with him on Tuesday. I wasn't especially fond of the guy so I was fine with the breakup. But I was having dinner with mother yesterday, followed by watching the season premiere of Doctor Who, when we received a visit by the Sparks Police Department. They found her ex-boyfriend's dead body that night. My mother was devastated. Naturally she blamed herself. And my sister's and I felt nothing but helplessness for there was nothing we could really do to make our mother feel better.

Virginia Faith at 7:17 PM

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I re-read an old conversation tonight. April 7, 2007, two amazing guys fought over me. The things they said about me for 25 pages, they were amazing. But I can't help but fear that the one that is much nearer no longer feels those words. He mentioned countless times how much he adores me. But I'm just going to say it, I don't feel adored. I try to get him to flirt with me, to try and seduce me, but nothing seems to work. I am afraid to talk to him because I can't handle hearing that he doesn't adore me anymore. As long as I ignore it, there is a chance that is isn't true. I don't want to confirm one of my biggest fears.

It's been a month since he told me he loves me. I still love him.

Virginia Faith at 2:59 AM

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Monday, June 25, 2007

I have no idea what this is a photo of, but it is awesome. It was taken by good friend of mine. If you have n idea of what it is, let me know.

Virginia Faith at 8:43 PM

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

This weekend has been awesome. This is the longest period of time I have managed to stay happy in a very long time. I miss Nick, but the fact that he is away and we have still been able to talk to each other pretty much all day shows how strong our relationship has become. Even though I miss him, this weekend was amazing because for the first time I was able to tell a boyfriend just exactly how I feel about him.

I went to the Passed Judgment concert tonight. I originally went as a spectator. I love live music. It is one of my strongest passions. There was an AMAZING band there from Seattle called The Real You. I encourage everyone to look them up on myspace. I talked to them so much. There is really nothing better than talking to hot, talented musicians. Well that's not exactly true, but it is fun. So later the kids from passed judgment made made me go home and get my violin so that I could perform with them, which I gladly did. It is my favorite feeling in the world to be on stage performing in front of a large crowd, playing the music genre that you love. I get so sick of classical sometimes. But it the best feeling ever to play loud heartfelt rock music and dance with your instrument on stage. It was amazing. I also got to hang out with our super cute lead guitarist. It was probably the most friendly he has ever to me. He just came right up to me and hugged me when I got there, which he has never done before. I really had fun.

I thought this weekend would be awful without Nick. I do miss him, but I had a great weekend.

Here is the link for that band: http://www.myspace.com/therealyou

Virginia Faith at 11:04 PM

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I know I should go to sleep right now, but I just don't want to waste such a good feeling. I have felt it before, but I have never said it in fear that the feeling would not be returned. I never thought I would say it to this Nick either, just because I never thought in a million years that he would love me back. But he does, and now I will probably sit here listening to sappy love songs by Nat Cole King until the sun comes up, wishing it were Tuesday.

Virginia Faith at 1:40 AM

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Saturday, May 26, 2007

Okay everyone. Here is what I need. I need everyone to stop telling me that I am in a doomed relationship. I need people to stop telling Nick to break up with me. I need people to stop telling me to break up with Nick. We are NOT breaking up, not for awhile, and it could be a long while. Forget what Nick may have told you about me in the past. That's just what it is--in the past. It doesn't matter nor apply anymore. We are happy and I don't need ANYONE contributing to my paranoia. I have enough of it without help from anyone else. So this is the last and final warning: leave my relationship alone unless I specifically ask you for advice.

Virginia Faith at 11:59 PM

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

This is my new car, only silver. It's a Pontiac G5. I is so elegant on the inside. We spent like 4 hours at the dealership. I really wanted a Chevy HHR, but they were out of our price range. Even the used sporty cars were out of our price range (over $20,000). The more I drive my new car though, the more I love it.

Virginia Faith at 3:52 PM

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Monday, May 21, 2007

Well my car self destructed today. I'm not entirely sure what is wrong but has to do with spark plugs, threads, taking the cap off....I think I am in the right direction there. I do, however, know that it will mostly likely cost over a thousand dollars to fix. Basically, it's not worth it.

Today was my boyfriend's birthday. I had plans to take him to a nice dinner, anywhere he wanted. He decided on The Brewhouse. We had a really nice early dinner, and then we go to leave, I turn on the car, and instead of a nice hum, the car makes more of a "#*^*&#^$*%&^%" sound. Yes that's right, that is a sound--a sound of death! Thankfully Nick was there with me, because I had not a parent within hundreds of miles. Nick had a triple A card and so he called and had someone come to our aide. She got there and she was an awesome lesbian with a reverse mullet. She was unable to fix it and asked if I wanted it towed somewhere. There just happened to be a mechanic in the same shopping center so we put it in manual and pushed it over.

We waited while they talked in their mechanic jargon. They told us what was wrong and it was just a bunch of greek. I called my dad and had Nick explain to him what was wrong because honestly, I had no idea. Finally they told me I wouldn't be able to get an estimate until morning. Nick and I called a bunch of people and finally found someone to come and get us. Ricky came to our rescue and dropped me at my concert and brought Nick home.

After talking to my father, we decided that it wasn't worth it to fix, especially since he had already offered to buy me a new car. We are going to the dealer on Thursday, and hopefully I will walk away with a new set of wheels (fingers crossed).

I hope I didn't spoil Nick's birthday too much. At least he has a decent story to tell about it.

Virginia Faith at 8:49 PM

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

It is really nice that Mike and I are really getting along right now. I realize now that all of the secrets were what was making us be so unfriendly to each other. There were secrets about my life, secrets about his, and once they were all out in the open and there was definite closure, everything became great. I love seeing him so happy. I hope it lasts because he deserves to be happy. I'm not gonna lie, I am a little jealous, but not nearly as much as I thought. That is a credit to my current relationship and how happy I am, how much I genuinely want him to be happy, and to how much effort I am putting into not getting so jealous. I miss him, but he loves it there, and this will force me to make some new friends and patch up old problems with my old friends.

Virginia Faith at 11:31 PM

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It started with my eighth grade band teacher. She was a cool person. She was a lesbian. I always enjoyed having her as my teacher. She was one of those lesbians that was kind of masculine, not one of the really attractive ones. She was fun though, and she was the first lesbian I ever met. My father hated her for her life-style. But I, however, was intrigued by it. It was while I was friends with her that I started listening to the band TATU. And thus today I realized that it is because of her that I have an appreciation for the female figure. I still believe that girls are difficult to deal with personality-wise, but the female body is a beautiful piece of art (most anyway).

Virginia Faith at 10:34 PM

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This weekend was really fun. I mean, nothing extremely exciting happened, but everything with Nick is good again. For the first time, we are not involved in a love triangle. I am so sick of love triangles. It seemed like once one was over, another was there. Now it is just the two of us, and I hope it stays that way. I am really happy.

Virginia Faith at 10:28 AM

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Saturday, May 19, 2007

Katie and I made up tonight. It feels really nice to have a girlfriend to talk to. It has been really hard for me to talk to anyone about my problems in the couple of days. I thought it was because it is just too exhausting to talk about it, but I think it was more because it wasn't the right person. I really needed to talk to a girlfriend, I needed to talk to Katie. And now, as I see something I want to hold on to so badly slipping through my fingers more and more each day, I know that I will never make it through this with out her. I am so afraid. I am afraid that the best relationship I have ever had has been built on a lack of communication. I am afraid that one day the break up will be for real. I am afraid that he doesn't like me, that he never really did like me, and that he honestly doesn't want to date me. I am sick of half-truths. I need the full truth. Yes, I will cry, but I need honesty. I need to be happy again, for my health's sake. I just have a horrible feeling that isn't truly going to go away in two weeks. I have this feeling that this isn't just temporary. This is going to keep going. I want nothing more than to have a great summer full of fun with my man and my friends. --How about it?

Virginia Faith at 1:05 AM

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I am sick of love triangles.

Virginia Faith at 12:05 AM

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Friday, May 18, 2007

I am a terrible person. That's what it comes down to. I used really poor judgment, and that is unlike me. But now, it comes to this: There is no one else I want to be with. Not even a smidge. And honestly, it will kill me if he does end up being with some one else in this little "probation period" as I am choosing to call it. I had a taste of life without him earlier in the week, and I didn't like it at all. Honestly, at this point of my life I cannot function with out the guy. I went

The truth is though, he did some not okay things tonight too. Guilting and pressuring are not okay. Not to mention I don't particularly like being tested.

We will make it through the month, and eventually all will be fine. But right now I am sad, and he is my comfort when I am sad, but I can't go to him. This is one of the worst parts.

Virginia Faith at 1:03 AM

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

I hate leaving there pissed off or sad, or anything other than happy really. I hate being pressured. I hate having a curfew. I hate being guilted. I hate having a crappy car. I hate having a sore tongue. I hate it when people don't say exactly what I want them to say. I hate having my emotions so easily controlled by one person, with out that person even trying. And, I hate spiders.

I feel pretty shitty right now, but I know if I just start my homework and go to bed, then I will wake up tomorrow and be totally over it. I just wish the feeling I had an hour and a half ago were still here. I love that feeling. Why do I get so easily irritated? Let shit go. It's not even a big deal, at all.

Virginia Faith at 11:43 PM

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I miss him. I miss him like crazy. I haven't gone this long with out talking to him in about a month and a half. I am used to seeing him at least 6 days of the week. His phone isn't on and I have no idea where he is. I am afraid to leave my phone for even 5 seconds in case he calls even though I know he won't. Man this is pathetic. Is it Thursdays yet?

Virginia Faith at 6:38 PM

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Last night was my final YSO concert. I was really dreading it, honestly. I did not want to sacrifice such a large portion of my Saturday for a stupid YSO concert. But I have to admit it was fun. We played while they shot fireworks right above us. I'm glad I knew most of the music pretty well so I got to watch a good portion of the fireworks. I got really interesting every now and then when a spark would fly right on top of our conductor, or when a fire would start across the street. James and Clint came and that was nice. I got to see them twice in one weekend, which usually is abnormal, but it was nice. I missed them. Afterward I went over to Nick's house and I definitely left with a smile. I was even able to tolerate lunch with my mother and her boyfriend today.

Virginia Faith at 4:54 PM

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Friday, May 11, 2007

I have realized tonight that my life is never going to be drama free, especially in the near future. This is a truism I must learn to except. My goal is to stop becoming miserable by drama and learn to just deal with it.

Tonight I went to Nick's after a mostly nice dinner with my old friends. I laid there with Nick and cried while he passed out. I didn't understand at first, I thought he was just sleeping so I thought to myself, "How can you just fall asleep with me laying on your shoulder crying so violently?" I don't know that he knew I was crying until he woke up with my black make-up on his shirt. Finally I sat up and looked at him with his closed eyes. He was twitching. "Look at me." He partially opened his eyes and then closed them. "Look at me!" He wouldn't even open them at all this time. So I decided I couldn't sit there and watch him sleep. So I got up, tried to wake him up to tell him I was leaving, and he wouldn't wake up. I whispered, "Baby. Babe wake up." Nothing. I touched my hand to his face, nothing. I kissed his arm, nothing. "Baby wake up. NICK." "hum?" "I'm gonna go." "Hm-k."

I grabbed my stuff, and walked out of his apartment. I got outside, leaned on the railing and started to cry loudly. Then I began to think. It came down to this: I could be miserable at Jim's, my ex-boyfriend, 21st birthday party, or I could be miserable alone at home. When it came down to it, I didn't care that he was asleep. I'd rather be miserable right where I was. So I went down to my car, got my laptop, and went back up to the apartment to find him just where I left him.

I sat down, pulled out my laptop and played a countless number of games of solitaire. It was almost silent in the room. Every now and then there would be a noise from outside, or from a room neighboring his. Nick would roll over or wake up slightly and itch his nose, which was good because it let me know he was still alive and breathing. Most of the noise in that hour and a half though was from his pet rat, Fink. The rat rarely comes out and socializes when I am there, possibly because of the faint aroma of cat that settles on my clothing. But this time she came out and she was sneezing, scratching, cleaning herself, eating, climbing...that rat was busy. She really is a cute thing. She kept me company. I wanted him to wake up so badly. I keep thinking, "maybe if Fink makes enough noise he will wake up." But he didn't. Maybe if Mike comes home he will wake up. So I waited for Mike to get there.

Mike finally did come home. He walked into the open door to Nick's room and found me sitting at his desk, make-up smeared, computer in lap. It was at that moment that I realized that maybe he hadn't just fallen asleep, and maybe, just maybe it was a good thing that I had come back. Mike and I talked for awhile. I always knew Mike was a really cool guy, but he really showed it that night. Nick is lucky to have him as such a close friend. I don't know if Nick heard us talking. He woke up about ten minutes after Mike and I finished our conversation. Ultimately I think it was the noise form the television that woke him up.

He woke up, we talked a little, and then we went out and hung out with Mike. If i had left when I did, I would have left feeling sad and hopeless. I stayed, and I came home and didn't cry. I wouldn't say I am happy, oh no. I wouldn't say that I am content. Right now I am breathing. I just wish I could make this go away for him. I know I focus a lot on how I feel about this, but it is because I want him to be okay. I am used to fixing things when they go bad, but I don't know how to fix this. I don't think it is in my power.

Virginia Faith at 11:49 PM

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My jury went really well today. I played, i finished, and..."You played much better today than you did on Tuesday." I'll say. I told him I could play better. Sometimes he just doesn't listen.

I saw my old Pakistani friend Mikaal today. Man did I miss that boy. It seems though, no matter how hard we try, we can never keep contact and then we go a year with out seeing each other and magically we just end up in the same place at the same time. It is a mysterious relationship really.

I used to have a huge crush on him if you remember, and I did find myself thinking, well I suppose I could still date him, after all I am in an open relationship. But seriously, how dumb would that be to get involved with another guy for three weeks and then end it. Not a good idea. I don't even see a fling happening because honestly most of the guys I hang out with are relationship guys more than fling guys. The one that is not, for reasons passing my understanding, doesn't want to. This is why there is absolutely no reason for the open relationship deal, it is just unnecessary.

And as I sit here writing this I find out that none of this even matters because my boyfriend may be taken away from me. I don't know when, where, or even for how long. God dammit I am so fucking sick of drama.

I am already losing one friend in a week. I cannot handle losing the two people who are right now my closest friends at the same time.

Virginia Faith at 5:45 PM

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

Tonight was good. I had fun. Benadryl is a wondrous drug. When we are good, we are good. I feels natural to sit there like that with him. I am happy tonight. This is what summer will be like. I lot of happy fun times. I wish I could fast forward four weeks so that I could just get to that. But on the other hand I don't want the next week to end because I know that that absence is going to be so hard for me at first. It feels like no matter how hard I try I cannot catch up on sleep. Even if I get several hours of sleep, I am still exhausted within six hours.

Virginia Faith at 10:15 PM

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I realized today that I have lost track of my goal to be thin this summer. I don't remember how it was so easy for me to stay motivated the last time. Just another 30 pounds, that's all. I would love to be able to wear a bikini this summer and show off my cute belly button piercing (that I don't have yet). It would be awesome to start next semester and when everyone sees me again to get this awesome dropped jaw expression about how much thinner I look. I find that it is actually easier for me to lose weight when I am not dating anyone. It was the year that I didn't hook up with anyone that I was able to lose that first 30 pounds. I think I get into this mind set that is "I have a guy, why would I need to lose weight?" Now I want to do it for me, not anyone else. Come to think of it, there are a lot of things I should be doing for myself more. Sometimes I care what other people want too much.

Virginia Faith at 2:00 PM

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Nick decided he wants to have an open relationship until I move out and am therefore away from my cats. He says "this is for you babe." I guess I am okay with this but honestly I am so sick of the open relationship deal. That's the main reason why I picked Nick over Mike. I can't do open relationships. I am way too jealous. Its only for two weeks. I can deal with it for two weeks.

Virginia Faith at 11:03 PM

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

My boyfriend won't even come within a foot of me because he is allergic to the cats in my house. How am i supposed to go the next 23 days with out being able to be within a foot of my boyfriend? I saw Clint tonight. I missed him so much. It was nice. He said he isn't mad at me, and i don't know if i believe him but I was just so happy to see him. I don't want to go another month without him.

Virginia Faith at 10:49 PM

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Saturday, May 05, 2007

I am in a situation with no good endings. I am in a room with no windows and no doors. I am choking on my own tears. I am bitter toward him for putting me in this situation. But being bitter will only make it worse. Love is a horrible thing. I don't care what anyone tells you. I wonder if in two years when I think back to my life right now if I truly will miss it like I do with every other time of my life. I think there is one part that I will miss, and that is the part that I already miss. I am so tired of crying over this. I got a break from crying Thursday and Friday night because I was actually happy. It is genuinely amazing how quickly things turn around. I am physically exhausted from this. My throat hurts. My body can not healthily take this much longer. I have lost friends, I have lost loves, I have lost self-esteem, I have lost happiness. Is it worth it? I just don't know that it actually is.

Virginia Faith at 11:46 PM

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Sunday, April 29, 2007

Clint hung out with James a couple days ago. This was right after he told me that he was so incredibly busy and that he couldn't possibly have time for a highscooler like me. Apparently Clint and Katie hung out last night. Neither one of them called me. Let's recap: Clint has time for everyone of his friends--except me. When/how did this happen? Is it seriously just because of who I am dating? That is bull shit. If he was dating someone I didn't like I would not just stop hanging out with him all together. I want my best friend back.

Virginia Faith at 12:57 AM

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I got home tonight, parked my car, and while looking at the bright night lights of Reno, with a sappy love song playing on the radio, I fell apart completely. I cried as if my world were crashing into a million pieces. Sometimes that's exactly how if feels. This summer will be great. In fact I will probably be very happy after the next three weeks have passed. But in the same time I don't want the next three weeks to end. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? What if the heart is already as fond as it can possibly be? What then? I fear this feeling.

Virginia Faith at 12:04 AM

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

My best friend supposedly doesn't have time for me anymore. The problem when he says that is that I know him better than anyone else, and I know that there is a different reason. I know that when he wants to hang out with someone he will make it happen, no matter what. I am pretty sure it has to do with how much I hang out with the Sagebrush kids. But as I pointed out to him I would would say I hang out with the Sagebrush kids, I hang out with a handful of them. I regularly hang out with Mike and Nick, and I talk to Ricky, but other than that, none. He was supposed to take me to my prom, but he flaked out on me. Now I don't even know if I want to go. That's a lie. I want to go, but I don't know if I will. Maybe I will ask James if he wants to go. I remember him saying that he would be okay with going to this year's senior prom. Though at the time I was so set on going with Clint. There is no way I am taking my boyfriend. I know he doesn't want to go to a stupid high school prom, but he would probably go if I asked him, so I won't do that.

Virginia Faith at 12:09 PM

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

This is going to be hard, i just know it. If I can make it through the end of May I will be fine. So many things change at the end of May: one week left of school, I move into my first house, Mike leaves. Everything changes.

Virginia Faith at 1:52 PM

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Oh my god I made a horrible mistake.

Virginia Faith at 10:08 PM

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Monday, April 16, 2007

I'm dating Nick now.
That makes me very happy.

I got the Morby Fine Arts Scholarship, $7,500.
That makes me happy.

The 18,000 dollars I have accumulated in scholarships is still not enough to pay for my undergraduate education.
This makes me furious.

I wish I were with Nick right now.
I hate Mondays.

Labels: I HATE Mondays

Virginia Faith at 10:32 PM

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Friday, April 13, 2007

My Cccccrrrrazy love life has finally calmed down and found a wonderful balance. Nick's persistence finally got me and after a week of mass amounts of drama, I broke things off with Mike (I still cant believe I did that), and I am now dating Nick.

Right now, though, I am in California for some dumb orchestra festival missing my man like crazy. The great thing is I didn't actually believe that I would be able to fall for him like this. I thought there was no way I would get over Mike. But I did. I did and I know I made the right decision. I really tried to be "dating" girl, and that is still fine if that's my only option. But I really prefer to be girlfriend girl. Nick and I have so much in common and I love our conversations. I pretty much love all of our time together. It is unfortunate that all of my friends hate him, but hopefully they will learn to get over that because I eally like him. I think I am going to be really happy with Nick, happier than I have been since my first Nick...maybe even more.

Sleep well Kurt Vonnegut.

Virginia Faith at 7:15 AM

1 Comments:

im happy for you! you guys really deserve each other!!!

By Anonymous, at 11:37 AM

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Today has been an awful day. I woke up and I was so tired from talking to Nick on AIM until like 1:30 A.M., which I have been doing pretty much every night lately. I went to school and slept through most of my classes, again. But I wanted to leave Reno High early today because I had a class at UNR that I wanted to prepare for. Normally I would just leave, with out a care in the world, but today I had a test in my last class. So I went and asked the teacher if I could come and take the test in an earlier class. I see people come in and take tests during our class all the time.

"Can I come in and take the test in third period?"
"No. Thats ridiculous."
"Fine."
And then I walked out on his ass. Jerk.

After the test I went home and practiced frantically for about twenty minutes. I was extremely stressed out, and i go to put up a knew AIM away message and I see a message from Katie.

"We should probably talk at some point, Virginia."

I hate it when she says my name like that at the end of a sentence.

Then I go to my lesson, which wasn't that bad, as it it never is. But it was still stressful. After my lesson I go down the orchestra room for class, I sit down in my seat and the teacher looks at me.

"What are you doing here? Isn't there an Allstate rehearsal today?"
"Shit."
Shit shit shit!

I get there and give them the old "I had a flat tire." excuse. It worked. Then I go to teach a lesson, which is fine but boring, especially on days I don't get paid. I leave and Nick calls and tells me something came up and we can't hang out tonight. I was fine with everything else that went wrong today. But this was just so heartbreaking and disappointing. I really wanted to hang out with him tonight. I miss him. Talking on AIM just doesn't do it the same way. And now I may not get to see him at all until maybe Tuesday, and if not then, another 5 days. This sucks. I miss him. And now I am going to stop writing about this before the wetness in my eyes becomes crying.

So after that I called Mike so see what he was doing. If I can't hang out with Nick then maybe I can see my other man. I call him and he is doing laundry and then he had a meeting for the Sagebrush at 8:30. No mike either. How is it that I am seeing like 3 guys and I can't see a one of them tonight?

I'm sad, disappointed, and lonely......hum, I'm gonna listen to some Grandaddy.

Virginia Faith at 7:01 PM

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Sunday, April 08, 2007

I Like them both. But I like one of them more. I can't help but think this is going to end in tears. God knows it started in tears. And every time it comes up between now and June it is gonna make me start to tear. I know it will. I just can't help but think that Mike is going to break my heart, and I am gonna break Nick's heart. (Nick D, get over it!) I like Mike so much. But I know he isn't going to want to be with me much longer. So somehow I have to cherish every last moment, while still trying my hardest to lessen my attachment to him. My strategy for doing this is by slowly decreasing my attachment to Mike and transferring it to Nick. Like a Balance, and right now there are 80 M&Ms on one side and 20 M&Ms on the other, and one by one the M&Ms will be removed from one side and replaced on the other. That is the only way I can see this happening peacefully. I am like 98% sure I will have no trouble strengthening the bond between me and Nick. That will be easy and it is inevitable. But I fear I will have a hard time lessening my feelings for Mike. What will happen is I will have to buy more M&Ms to put on Nick's side because we will still be getting closer, but I won't be able to take them away from Mike's side. I think I can manipulate my own thoughts to make this work though.

Virginia Faith at 11:14 PM

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Mike definitely likes at least two other girls more than me. This is going to be difficult. I am such a jealous person. I don't know how I am going to be able to handle this. Like right now, I am so consumed by this I can barely think about anything else, let alone fall asleep. I wish I could make my jealousy go away. I wish jealousy didn't exist. But I am just a dumb high schooler and now I am being unrealistic.

Virginia Faith at 11:12 PM

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Maybe these sagebrush kids actually have it right with this apathy stuff. I am seriously considering giving this method of living a try.

I realized today that my social life for the next 3 weekends is going to be essentially non-existent. This weekend is Easter, and in a religious family that is big deal. I have church rehearsal tomorrow night and Thursday, good Friday service on Friday, and then three services Sunday morning. Next weekend I have to go to Disneyland with the orchestra Thursday through Sunday. The weekend after I will be in Las Vegas Thursday through Sunday. Hopefully I will be able to hang out with people on some weekday nights. Or, maybe it will be good to take a break and allow people to miss me. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Virginia Faith at 12:13 PM

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Monday, April 02, 2007

I didn't get into NEC. I guess I am staying here. I'm gonna go practice now.

Virginia Faith at 2:44 PM

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

I am pretty much mad at everyone right now. I hope things go back to normal (less drama) soon--very soon.

Virginia Faith at 11:18 PM

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I wish none of it had happened.
I hate secrets.
I hope things peacefully go back to normal.
I want to stop liking Clint.
Clint wants me to stop liking Clint.
Or so I think.
Who would know with him.
He tells one person one thing, and you another.
Stop telling Lies.
I can't wait to see Kenny tomorrow.
Maybe I should just stay away from everyone for awhile.
I am over reacting.
I wish I could hear people's thoughts.

Virginia Faith at 7:45 PM

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Saturday, March 31, 2007

I feel like there is finally balance to my life again. Tonight was an amazing night. I went to a piano recital with Mike at the Steinway store. I got to play on a beautiful piano, met a pianist named Otto who I should be performing with in the near future, met another person who wants me to do a solo recital for an on-going concert series, and had an amazingly fun time hanging out with Mike afterward. I'm not sure why this night was what it took for my emotions to become stable again. I still plan on dating Kenny, and possibly Clint (though probably not).

I got two tattoos yesterday. One on my left shoulder of a Yamaha Silent Electric Violin (http://www.yamaha.co.jp/english/product/strings/silent_electric/silent_v/images/sv200anim.gif), and the other is of two sixteenth notes on the back of my neck. I have gotten so many compliments on both of them. I love them, and people love them. They really fit my personality and my image too. I may end up regretting them (though I doubt it), but I feel like it isn't that bad of a guilt to live with. It's not like I murdered someone. Besides, a very large portion of people in my generation have tattoos. It really just isn't that big of a deal anymore. The pain was totally tolerable. It hurt at first, and it hurt when he was coloring the fingerboard of the violin. But as long as I kept talking or humming I was fine. Tattoos are all about keeping your mind occupied as to not think about the pain. I'm really glad Clint was there with me, and it definitely helped to have an attractive guy drawing the tattoo.

Virginia Faith at 1:41 AM

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I have made a mess of my emotions. Maybe I don't want Clint most. When I listen to hip hop music I can't stop thinking about Kenny and it makes me crazy. When I am online I am always playing this game that Mike got me addicted to. I miss having him call me Kit Kat Bar. I loved that. But the thought of Clint not coming with me tomorrow is unbearable, though I know he wouldn't bail on me. I hate that there is a good chance he will ditch me for Emily on Friday night. Katie may or may not still be mad at me. I realized just how much Mike is still infatuated with Emily tonight. Cripple is still indifferent to me. The only time he liked talking to me was when I was dating Mike. I am not feeding his little game with Katie anymore. Sure it was entertaining, but I am so sick of him calling me high school when he acts as high school as it gets. I spent a good portion of time defending Clint to Mike tonight. They seriously dislike each other, because of me and Emily (I have a feeling more because of Emily honestly). I truly believe what I said to him though: No one else knows Clint like I do. No one. I don't know what I want. What do I want? Tell me what I want! I want Mike to call me Kit Kat Bar.

Labels: Kit Kat Bar

Virginia Faith at 11:41 PM

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I am getting my first and probably second tattoo tomorrow. Marked for life, literally, as Clint would say. Thankfully Clint is going with me. He went with me to get my nose pierced, I went with him to get his tattoo, now he goes with me. I'm not sure why, but we are each other's comforter or something. I think he wanted me there to seem cool, but I need him there for comfort. I am so incredibly nervous. I don't take pain well, but I love anything that reinforces who I am, and makes me unique. I really want this tattoo.

Virginia Faith at 10:20 PM

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

This is my order:
1. Clint
2. Mike
3. A boy whose name I can not yet say
4. Kenny

The weird thing is that Clint is NOT the most attractive person in that list. But oh my god if he would just open up his eyes and see that we are best friends for a reason, that reason being that we are so compatible, maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated with him right now. He needs to learn to finish things that he starts. Emotions are not like a Sunday afternoon project that you get bored of and decide you will finish next weekend but then never actually do.

As for Mike, it is hard for me to put him second on the list, because this feeling inside of me tells me that I want to be with him more than any person in the world, and I can assure that if I had not been pining for Clint and not had so much history with Clint that Mike would be number one. I would also say that Mike deserves to be number one, but the truth is he doesn't deserve a second chance with me. And sadly, even though I recognize this, I am practically shoving a second chance down his throat though I know he could live just fine with out one.

No. 3 is a very attractive guy. He is sweet and we actually have things in common, like a passion for good music. I thought about putting him first because when it comes down to it, I don't choose to be dating girl. I would much prefer to be girlfriend girl. I want to be the one that isn't sickeningly lovey, but the couple that gives a little kiss or rub on the back as the other walks by.

But the god's honest truth is that I can not believe that I am not pawning for Kenny over all of them right now. I was completely infatuated with him. He was amazing to me, and always will be amazing to me, and he didn't deserve me deserting him completely out of the blue. I am happy to see him tomorrow.

I don't even feel like my love life is in my hands right now. I am playing the waiting game. I wait for Clint to stop being an idiot, I wait for Mike to decide whether or not he wants to date me with out being my boyfriend and then act on his decision, I wait for James to talk to talk to No. 3 for me, and though I don't really wait for anything with Kenny, I know that our "one date a week if it works out" situation is not really fair to him.

Virginia Faith at 10:40 PM

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Today while I went from class to class, there were a few people that I could briefly say, "Yeah, Mike decided he didn't want to date me anymore." But there was no one I could sit and tell the whole story to. This is an unfortunate situation because that is one of my big ways of coping: I need to talk about it. So by my third class I felt like shit and decided to start randomly writing my thoughts on a the back of a sundry paper writing in any and every direction.

After this strategy, talking about it with a couple people, and seeing him today, I have come to this conclusion:
1. Part of the reason he didn't want to date me is because I'm a high schooler.
2. I am pretty sure The Cripple had a contributing factor in Mike's decision.

This being said, though I feel like I have had no closure and will there for not be able to fully get over Mike, I will wait until he returns from his summer internship to push for any reuniting, that is if in fact I do still have feelings for him.

Another interesting event this evening:

Clint: If we do every hook up, lets not tell Katie.
Me: But Katie is the biggest advocate of you and me dating.
Clint: I know. That's why should hide it.

This may seem inconsequential to some, but to me it says that Clint does in fact think about the possibility of a Me and Him. There is potential there. This was a refreshing dialogue, because before I felt like for sure there was no hope. When it comes down to it though, Clint and I are compatible.

Virginia Faith at 10:15 PM

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I got wait listed at San Fransisco Conservatory. Jerks! So far I am 1 for 2. Lets see if we can make it 2 for 3....? Pleeeeaaassseee......

Virginia Faith at 3:16 PM

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

He broke up with me. I didn't see it coming, but I'm not sure if I'm surprised. I am really sad. I don't know what else to say. I wish it had lasted longer. I wasn't burnt out on him yet. I don't think it was time. But I guess it's not really my decision to make.

Virginia Faith at 10:09 PM

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

This relationship is causing me large amounts of stress earlier than any other relationship I've been in. There are four reasons for this:

(not in order of importance)
1. I hate Annie.

I don't even know Annie...pretty much at all. But I don't think she likes me, and I feel threaten by her, not to mention a general intimidation. It didn't help that on my first date with Mike she came to his house just to yell at him.

2. I may or may not be attracted to the cripple.

Mike is absolutely more attractive, but Nick (cripple) has a very attractive personality. That's not to say Mike doesn't, because he does. But Nick is so arrogant and there is just something about the whole asshole complex that I totally dig. Not to mention that boy has been through so much in a mere twenty years. I hope that I will have as many kick ass life stories as he does at age twenty, throughout my whole life. I was totally flirting with him last night, while also flirting with my boyfriend (DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!) It is still bothering me how much more Nick flirted with Katie even though I know that if I weren't dating one of his closest friends, he would have been hitting on me too.

3. I am in high school.

Granted a couple of other people in the circle are dating high schoolers, but they are never around. And I hate that I am in high school. It is cramping my style.

4. There is an enormous amount of history between Clint (Mike's co-worker) and me.

I can not tell the difference between when Clint is being jealous, and when Clint is being protective like a big brother. But last night, he was being clingy. He would not leave me or Mike alone. If I moved to one side of the room, he would follow. And where it totally wouldn't surprise me if Clint didn't even know he was doing this, it was really annoying. Mike and Clint do not get along, and I know I am responsible for that. But both of them have to realize that neither one of them is going anywhere anytime soon. Mike is my boyfriend; Clint is one of my best friends. What could have but didn't happened between me and Clint in the past is just that--in the past.

Virginia Faith at 5:39 PM

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I realized today what the best part of spring break is. Yes, the whole no school part definitely makes things good, but that isn't the part I enjoy most. My favorite part is that you don't have to slow down for school zones. No school zones!

This week as been like the following:
- Hang out with Clint
- Hang out with Mike
- Go home and talk to Mike on AIM
- Spend night at Katie's
- Repeat

Katie and I went house/apartment hunting today. It was fun while we were driving around. We would slow down to get the phone number on a sign, and try to get out of the way of other cars, but then we would end up inconveniencing them even more. I'm surprised no one flipped us off. The weird thing, is that we will probably end up living in her boyfriend's sister's old house. After we were done driving around I went home and called all the places and ruled out all of the other than a couple that I waiting for calls back from and the BF's sister's house. Unfortunately, we can't move into that one until August. So if we go that route, i have to either suck it up and live here for 2 months longer than I would like, or live with my dad during the summer. Living with my dad would be a good way for me, and prob him, to save a few bucks this summer, but I think my mom would probably get mad.

I have a new guy. He is amazing. Much more normal than...actually he is the most normal boyfriend I have ever had. He is older, but then again they all have. Sometimes when we talk on AIM I get worried that he is annoyed by me. It's is possible that we will be one of those couples that argue about the dumbest shit and actually yell at each other but then kiss and make up not knowing what we originally were arguing about. But then he says something sweet, and I know I am just paranoid.

Virginia Faith at 3:25 PM

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

I always notice, always. This year is never the same with out my friends there at school with me. And where as I always miss them , I always miss them more when they actually are at school. They all come and visit every now and then. James used to more last semester, but he has a job now so I don't think he even could anymore. But Katie and Clint come, and I always appreciate them so much more than usual when they are there in that environment. Clint came today, and it was weird because I really missed him. Last year we sometimes could hardly stand the sound of each other's name. I never even thought I would be able to keep up the friendship I have with all of them, being a lowly high schooler. But the weird thing is, with Katie and Clint at least, we are actually better friends this year. It's nice because when I hang out with them, I don't feel like the odd [wo]man out because I'm a high schooler. I feel like I am hanging out with my friends, and that is a really cool feeling.

Virginia Faith at 3:43 PM

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

This birthday has been pretty good. New labtop, cute boy who loves me, a piece of metal in my nose, new piece of medal in my ear, and some other things. Clint and I went to the piercing salon, and the only way for me to not think about the fact that I was about to pay someone to stick needles in my body was to talk constantly. I don't think I ever stopped talking. In my head the beach boys song "Big Girls Don't Cry" kept playing over and over in my head. And surprisingly, I didn't cry. Though I'm sure the boys in the salon still laughed their asses off at the girl who never stopped talking after I left. The boy that did the deed was pretty attractive which was good because it helped to keep my attention off of the pain. My nose hurt like a total bitch. My ear not so much. However ironically at this moment the one that bothers me is my ear. I don't know how I am going to sleep. I can't sleep on my left side because of my nose. But I also can't sleep on my right side because of my ear. Ideally the pain reliever I just took will kick in any moment so that I won't feel anything anyway. But now, in this last hour of my life as a minor, all I can make myself think about (other than the throbbing in my ear) is what that adorable boy is doing right now.

Virginia Faith at 10:53 PM

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day Pro-Con List

Pros
- Flowers and Card from mother
- Chocolates from mother's boyfriend
- Conversation hearts and scented candle from private student
- Nice dinner with best friend

Cons
- No boyfriend
- The next con, if it is indeed a con, can not be explained in a single bullet. He is the perfect guy, but as there is always a catch to the perfect anything, he has a girlfriend. He doesn't act like it, and he even talks about me to his girlfriend, assuring me that he would never cheat on her (like this is supposed to make me feel better or something). I tell him, "Well, I guess I just have to forget the girlfriend thing and just think of you as the cute boy that flirts with me." Then he tells me how he is oh so much more than the cute boy that flirts with me. I know he doesn't want to break my heart, but he has done just that. But no matter how mad I might be one a certain point of time, five minutes later and cannot stay mad at him. I have always been fully capable of staying mad at anyone for at least a full day. Not him though. No one has ever made me smile the way he does, and in a way that is the ultimate valentine's day gift.

Virginia Faith at 10:17 PM

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

I am the concertmaster of the 2007 Washoe County Honor Orchestra! Take that!

Virginia Faith at 8:04 PM

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Sunday, February 04, 2007

It's a good think Jim doesn't like football, or else I could have ruined a very good day for him. I care about him so much, and we have been through so much together. But I have been kidding myself this whole time trying to convince myself that we are compatable. I am the girl that has had my whole life planned out since age ten. He doesn't have his life planned out past five minutes. But I have only been broken up 2 hours and I already miss him. I truly believe we will be able to be friends still.

Virginia Faith at 4:37 PM

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

Clint came to Reno High today and we went out to lunch together. That is the kind of thing that James and I would do. He would come and spend the lunch hour with me to put me out of my misery. It's not like I am purposely trying to replace James. I think it is not so much replacement, as much as equaling the playing field. There was a day that I would always pick James over Clint, and not only is that not fair, but it wasn't really healthy for me. Now I don't have a favorite. I like them equally. They say a parent shouldn't have a favorite child, well you shouldn't have favorite friends either....well i guess it really isn't the same.

Virginia Faith at 10:26 PM

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Saturday, January 06, 2007

Maybe five months is just too long when you are my age. I I am getting tired of the whole "boyfriend" thing, or maybe it is the boyfriend I am getting sick of. So I decided to make a pro con list. Both sides are pretty even, though there is currently one side that is ahead. But there are a few points that just stick out. I really like hanging out with his friends and if I give him up I give up his friends too. One of my biggest insecurities is my stomach, but he makes me feel thin (not because he is obese, but because he tells me my stomach is flat). I have put so much effort in this relationship trying to make it work, for nothing? But on the other side there are some things that sick in my mind. I'm not even sure he actually likes me. Sure he tells me I am beautiful, but that just brings me to another "Con" point--I don't feel like he is a very sincere person. I think it is possible that with Jim I am just settling, and that I deserve someone better. But the thing that perhaps sticks out most to me, is that I am still pining for someone else.

Virginia Faith at 12:15 AM

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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

As soon as something happens to make me happy again, or I get my thoughts togather enough to make myself become content, you people purposely try to piss me off again. What do you have against me? The first thing I need when I walk through the door is not critcicm. Stop questioning my decsions, stop questioning my judgment, stop drilling me about my past present and future. Let me live my life. This constant rutine is beginning to make me physically sick. There is something seriously wrong when I don't feel like by boyfriend likes me because he doesn't tease me. What does that say about the standard I have grown up in and lived in my entire life. I am done trying to please all of you. It is time to start pleasing myself more often. Why is Jim the only person who understnads this? He has known me for a lot less time then any of the rest of you. Why is he the only one who gets me. It is like I am suposed to constantly impress you. I don't have to impress Jim. If I did I would shave my legs more often. I can be myself. Just let me be myself.

Virginia Faith at 11:28 PM

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Friday, December 15, 2006

They don't understand. No one understands. The one thing I wanted to do today more than anything was to see Nick. I was prepared to see Nick. I was willing to do anything to make it possible to see Nick. But it didn't happen. The worst part is that it could have happened. I know they all miss Nick too. He is one of all of our best friends. But Nick and I's relationship and history go beyond just best friends. And that is why they can't understand the emotion it produces when the tease me about something so serious to me. It breaks my heart to think about not getting to see him today. And it breaks even harder when I think I might not get so see him until Tuesday. Sure I wanted to go bowling too, but it wasn't the bowling. It was the lying and the let down. I came home, still crying thrashing through all the food in my kitchen praying that there is some kind of comfort food. But I had done such a good job of making sure everything in the house was healthy. The closest thing to comfort food I could find was Minestrone soup and that just wasn't doing it for me, which just made me cry harder. I had been counting down the days till Nick's return. Every day I'd say to Ross __ days till Nick comes home, until finally nick is coming home today! I kept imagining in my head the huge hug I would give him, but right now it just fells like I am never going to get to see him.

Virginia Faith at 11:42 PM

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I have spent several hours in the past 4 days in front of my TV addicted to Everwood. I think the reason for this is that even though my life lately has had enough drama to become an award winning film, those folks in everwood continue to trump my personal obstacles. Somehow boyfriend in a coma out does bi-polar boyfriend. And even though my life has been raining for the past couple weeks, in the past couple days to rainbow is beginning to show it's self from behind the storm. It is funny how screamo emo can cheer a person up. There is nothing like playing music with a band so loud you fear that your eardrums might burst, which would actually be semi appropriate what with it being an emo band. And then while I watch Jeremy sing, I can't help but forget that my boyfriend is partially psycho. And then after spending all weekend with Jeremy, thinking to myself, "I wonder if I would really leave Jim for him.", I walk down the hall excited because I am not going to be antisocial for once, and I am gonna spend my lunch period with him and his friends. And then I see him walk down the hall, hand in hand with Nikki. I follow them for awhile just to watch them get into a car together and drive away. I then decide to go to a Power walking make up instead, but meanwhile, I can't shake the burning image in my mind of their hands intertwined. Then I realize that I no longer feel the same way about my relationship with Mr. Ross, and have moved on to preferring Mr. Willis, whose real name should truly be Mr. Holland. Mr. Willis is an amazing person, more of a colleague than a teacher, as he is supposed to be. And today as I prepare to go to UNR to fight that battle that is Jim, I can barely breath between the butterflies in my stomach and the irregular beating of my heart. But when I get there I am pleasantly surprised to see that he has shaved and that his lips are no longer chapped like an old tomato. He is smiling, and when I asked him how his violin lesson was, he replied that it was good. We hang out for awhile, and then head over to class, early in fact. We have a very redeeming conversation on our way. I have my Jim back. My Jim, my talented, intelligent, tender, and romantic Jim. And now as I think about having lunch with my new band member, I find it hard to grasp the thought of balancing both Jeremy and Jim. And as I type this I can't help but think about how James would say that I have a thing for guys whose names start with the letter "J". Ultimately it was me who saved him, or was it is own fear-the fear of losing me? I hope I am not naive to think that this contentment with Jim will last, but I can't help but think about the words he whispered into my ear as I was preparing to leave his house tonight back into the cold. "You've won. I fell for you."

Virginia Faith at 10:01 PM

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Saturday, November 11, 2006

I want to pinch myself and wake up and see that it has all been a dream. I want to go back to when things were simple--when things were new and exciting, that first time he invited me to hang out with him, that romantic night in Tahoe, the cool summer night on the roof, driving up and down Mt. Rose highway, playing bluegrass music with complete strangers. It has been three months and one week, but this last month has felt like an eternity. I don't know how it got so complicated so quickly. How did I not notice before? How did I let him get like this? Why can't I fix it? I feel like I am so wrapped up in this alter-existence that i barely have time to consull my friends with their problems. It was so fun that first month. I want that back. I want the guy that smiles and talks about philosophy with me. I want the guy who talked about literature with me. I want the guy who opened up and talked about his family and his past with me. What happened to that guy? We have been through so much, and things may not be so exciting anymore, but I can't turn my back on him. I can't back out--not now--not while he is like this. What kind of a person would that make me--to turn my back on such a close person to me? It is just a dream.

Virginia Faith at 12:31 AM

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I have been desperately trying to finish compositions that I have started but not finished lately to send into colleges. I finally finished Clint's piece on Tuesday, which is good because it will be the one the band plays in February. Now I have three solid pieces that I can send in that I feel confident about. I would like to have one more though. This means I either have to start a new piece, or finish James' piece. I don't have a whole lot of new inspiration at the moment, so I fear that starting a new piece would be difficult. But at the same time finishing James' piece seems even harder. I was able to finish Clint's Piece because he is not really of interest to me anymore in that way. That chapter is over, for lack of a better way to put it, even though he is still of my closest friends. But the thought of finishing James' piece is like throwing in the towel--for good. And where I know I might as well, I still can't for some reason. The worst part is that even though Jim means so much to me, whenever Jim upsets me, and James tries to make me feel better, it ends up making me feel worse because I know James would never do that kind of thing. I know James will eventually read this., but I don't care. Courage is the thing I need most right now. Courage to be strong for Jim, courage to be strong for myself, and Courage to close the door to a feeling I hate to admit I know I will never achieve.

Virginia Faith at 12:06 AM

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Chris O'Riley and his honey Michelle are back together. I am so happy for him, I was a little worried for awhile.

Virginia Faith at 3:24 PM

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Monday, August 28, 2006

In the past two weeks I have experienced more emotion than one person should have to deal with in a year. I went from being quite cheery, to hitting an emotional rock bottom. I have lost friends, experienced one of the scariest things for a 17 year old girl, started in a school almost completely alone, felt disappointed when my man had other plans, got mad at myself for eating too much, felt hungry from not eating at all, felt abandoned while sitting next to the phone waiting for him to call, felt more jealous than I ever have in my life, felt completely helpless, and though there is more, I will stop there.

After crying at almost every moment that I was alone for the last weeks, while I drove home tonight, I couldn't cry. But this was the first time I wanted to cry. I was on the verge of tears the whole way home, and still, even now. But I find myself emotionaless and dry.

I wrote this poem during my sophomore year as an assignment in my honors English class. I think it was just before a holiday and the idea was that we would write it for a family member it give it to them, but I didn't do that.

this poem is for my friend ____
who is the best friend I have ever had
whose tired green eyes
hidden behind glasses
look back at me from a world I feel privileged
to be a part of
who helps me with my homework
who feeds me a complement
when I need one most
he drives me home after a stressful school day
in his 85 Century Buick
with a giant crack in the windshield
which grows larger every time I see it
I always complain about the falling
fabric ceiling in his car
we skate around the ice rink
talking about how I can be witty like him
afterwards we enjoy a root beer float shake
at dreamers cafe
he tells me his crazy ideas
like mailing spam
and recycling Egg Roll King
and "family joules"
he obsesses about seatbelts
if they are not put back very neatly
he asks me what he should wear the next day
and almost never actually wears what it is I tell him to wear.
sometimes he plans his clothing to clash on purpose
his style is nothing like anyone else
his musical talent is broader
than most musicians of his age
my best times have been times I spend with him
and this it why I write this poem
with great respect and compassion
to my best friend

Much of that poem is no longer true. Actually, very little of it is true. My respect and compassion remain the same, but the relationship has been through so many obstacles since then. He and I have been through countless experiences together. He is, was, and always will be a big part of my life. I feel certain that he would say the same for me. Losing him is an incredibly difficult thing for me, even though I know I am not truly losing him. It was so hard to say goodbye. I didn't want to let go. I now sit staring at the pictures of the two of us that are in frames next to my computer wearing his bracelet and the scarf he brought me back from Scotland.

He is not my best friend anymore. He is still one of my closest, but not the best. I lied to my best friend a few times tonight. But sometimes it is just necessary. I apologize, and I refuse to tell you which parts I lied about, but please know it was just so you would not treat me like I am fragile or sensitive, because I want to know what is going on inside your head. Enough said...

Virginia Faith at 9:59 PM

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Friday, August 25, 2006

This afternoon I was practicing my YSO music, when my mother walked through the door with the mail. In the mail was a package for me. I picked up the package and immediately noticed my name and address on the front in Chris' handwriting. I quickly opened the package and there it was, Chris' book. I quickly put away my violin and opened the book. Inside it was signed, "To Virginia- With Admiration and Affection. Love Always," and his signature. Admiration and affection, love always. I wonder if he knows that those few words completely made my day.

I began to play through some of the pieces. They were just as difficult as I expected. The only ones I could even attempt were the ones I had spent hours listening to over and over again, because I knew in my mind exactly how they were supposed to sound. I came up to a piece called Talk Show Host. It is my favorite piece of Chris' . I looked at the first chord, went to play it, and realized that it was not physically possible for me to reach the chord. I couldn't reach the next, or the next, or the next. The only way for me to play every note in the chords was to roll the notes, and I can affirmatively say that Chris does not play them that way. After awhile I just started leaving the top note of the chords out. My goodness Chris has a very wide reach, his music is definitely written for men, not women. Just the same, I love that I now have this book. It is so amazing; so much effort was put into every page of this book, of which there are many!

Virginia Faith at 10:44 PM

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Saturday, August 19, 2006

My Semester Schedule:

0-Strings (Willis)
1-English (Halcomb)
2-Pacific Rim (Ross)
3-AP Stats (Worthen)
4-Power Walking (Johnson)
5-AP Government (Ross)

Virginia Faith at 12:19 AM

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I stood in the hallway, standing on the freshly tiled asbestos free floor, feeling as though my purpose in life is to fix all communication errors in the public school music departments, when mystery man walks by, smiles, and tells me not to roll my eyes. I have two classes with him this semester. I fear he will be rolling his eyes at me much sooner than I will be rolling my eyes at him. Ye of little faith...

Virginia Faith at 12:13 AM

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

It is always so hard for me to leave Chris, he such an amazing man/musician.

Trip Totals:
Hugs from Chris = 5
Kisses from Chris = 3!

On Saturday night we went to an orchestra concert in Sunriver, Oregon. Chris was doing a Mozart piano concerto in the second half. I went to the will call to pick up my tickets. I gave them my name, and they were there, just as Chris said they would be! We went inside to find our seats and it was a small theater. About 200 seats total, 30 of which where upstairs in the balcony. We had balcony seats! Our seats were looking directly down at the orchestra. They were top notch celebrity seats! During the intermission I went to go look around the building. The restrooms were behind the stage, which just so happened to be very near to the room were the musicians hung out. I was wondering around this hallway, looking into what rooms I could see into. And As I walk up a pair of stairs, I look behind me momentarily and there is a man in a long black concert jacket that zooms by. I knew right away that it was him. I merely saw the back of his head, but I knew.

He went over and sat a piano and began to play something for the conductor. I walked over and stood on the other side of the piano leaning on the wall. He looks up while he is playing and I wave. Then when he stops he smiles and says "Hi Virginia!" Then after a moment he gets up from the piano and gives me a hug (happy me) and says thank you for coming and asks how my seats are. And I later said how I was quite sure I wasn't actually allowed to be seeing him before he plays, and he replied in a who cares kind of way. He told me he had just been planning out his encore. I then went back to my seat. The second half began and Chris came out and I never once took my eyes off him. It is always amazing to watch him play. And where with most pianists I prefer to watch their hands, with Chris, I most definitely prefer to watch his face. His facial expressions when he plays are so incredibly vivid. I am quite certain I have mentioned this before.

After the concert I went backstage and we visited for awhile. I told him I was playing on applying to New England Conservatory (NEC), which is the college he went to. He was very excited about this and asked me if I had told them about my composing and not just my violin work, because "they needed to know about that and my accomplisments with that". We talked a little more and then I told him I'd see him on Tuesday and he gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye and I floated out of the concert hall with a smile ear to ear.

On Tuesday we went to his recital in Bend. Our seats were in the center of the hall, not spectacular, not terrible. He played a very entertaining first half. At intermission they were selling his CDs in the lobby. Now this audience was there mostly because they are Sunriver Music Festival regulars, not Christopher O'Riley regulars. So they all wanted one of his albums, but none of them knew anything about his albums, including the people selling them. So a person asked one of the women selling the CDs a question, and she told them that a certain CD was his first radiohead album. When I heard this I quickly went over and said, "Well actually, this album is his first radiohead album," grabbing a CD from the other side of the table. From there I began to tell all of the people buying CDs about them. I would ask them what they were looking for and then tell them a little about each of his albums. One lady behind the table asked me if I wanted to switch spots with her. They were all very impressed that I knew so much about him.

I went back into the theater for the second half, and instead of returning to my seat, I went and sat in an empty seat in the front row. I thought this seat was the best in the house. I was the closest person to him, I could see every expression on his face. I could hear him hum along with the pieces. Before he started to play the next piece he began to tell a story and part of the story was about his hero coming to one of his recitals, and how this made him feel. It was quite the same way that I would feel if he ever came something of mine. Only instead of pianist to pianist, it would be composer/arranger to composer/arranger.

After the Concert I went back to the CD table and continued helping people. He soon came out to sign CDs people were purchasing. He saw me telling people about his CDs, and then the woman sitting behind the table next to him says to him, "She has been selling your CDs. She knows everything about you!" He laughed a little and simply says, "I know." Then he says, "She's my agent!" This made me smile. Then a woman asked me about his radio show. I began to tell her and then she says, "well why don't we get it here?" I told her I wasn't a local but in my city it airs at 2pm on Mondays. Then she asks me, "Do you travel with him?" I loved that question. I only wish the answer had been yes.

I handed Chris the CD I had purchased there and he signed it. The first time he signed something for me he signed "With regards,", the next it was "With warm regards,". This time it was "With Love,". We talked awhile longer and he told me he would help me with my audition/application to NEC in any way he could. It was amazing. I got another hug and kiss and said goodbye and we left.

I was thinking about everything that had just happened, and just remembered that I had forgotten to get my picture taken with him again. So we went back inside, and he took his picture with me. We talked some more, then he hugged me and kissed me again, and we left for good.

It was so hard for me to leave him. It is such a different world with him, it is a world of being everything that you possibly can- not setting limits. Where my normal life is an awful lot of settling.

When I came back, I told all my friends to not let me settle for things anymore. I am not going to settle for UNR, am not settling for anything less than the best I possibly can.

Virginia Faith at 4:33 PM

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Friday, August 11, 2006

She calls me at noon today, thinking that I will still be sleeping. She says to me, "Since you deprived me of my sleep last night, I thought I would just deprive you of your sleep this morning." What she doesn't realize is that, even I can not sleep 12 hours every single day. I have my occasional last start. But for the most part, I am up and moving by 10.30. And even if I were awake, I just ignore the phone when it rings during my sleep. Does she honestly think I will answer? Besides, 11.30 is not an unreasonable time for a teenager to come.

Virginia Faith at 12:46 PM

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I'm not allowed to hang out at college boy's houses. ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE COLLEGE BOYS!!! (with the exception of a college girl.) I am being punished for hanging out with older kids. Tonight was just the welcome to hell I have been waiting for, and I have no other choice than to embrace it openly. Thank you for that confirmation that my senior year might as well be renamed hell year, after all, I'm no longer allowed to go to my friend's houses. It doesn't matter if we're not romantic. I wish with everything that I am that I had graduated early. If I could go back a year to make that happen, I would.

Virginia Faith at 12:10 AM

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Friday, August 04, 2006

Finally! Success! Who needs little black book boy when I've got someone ten times better. My latest is smarter, not annoying, way more attractive, has facial hair, has dark hair down to his shoulders, we like the same kind of music, we have fun jamming together, and he is totally laid back and care free. We'll see how long this one lasts.

Virginia Faith at 12:33 AM

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I had a very strange dream last night. And it is just coming back to me now, 3 hours after I woke up this morning.

Before I go into detail about the dream, let me once again explain that I am perfectly aware that Chris O'Riley is old enough to my my father, and is in fact very close to my father's age. More so, I would rather be him, living his life, than be with him. I think the dream is just a reaction to 2 things, (1) last night's unexpected rejection, and (2) my trip to go see Chris in less then two weeks.

I'm not sure where exactly I was, but the place kind of reminded me of the Hyatt I stayed in when I was in Indianapolis, which would make sense since this was the first place I laid eyes on Chris in person. It was after a recital of his that I went to, and we met for drinks in a little restaurant. We made small talk, when suddenly, he made a move on me. Surprisingly, I was okay with this, and even embraced it.

The next night he had another recital, and afterward I met him backstage at his dressing room for a little you're-my-hero-I-love-you get together. We left the recital together and later went to a high class, pretty wealthy party. He left me for a moment, I can not remember why, and I was sitting at a little table with very little light, just the ambiance of a small candle.

I sat there for awhile, and as I started to scope the room, I saw Chris, dancing with another woman. I tried to get up to confront him, but as I got closer to where I first eyed them, they kept getting further away, until finally, I could no longer see them.

I went off somewhere, pouting and having thoughts a lady should never have toward someone. The next day I was walking down an open hall, and Chris saw me, and I quickly darted into an empty dark room, to try and escape having to talk to him, but it was no use, he caught up to me. He tried to reason with me, but I wouldn't hear of it.

The next evening I was sitting in the restaurant where we had our first drink together. I was sitting with my back to the entrance. I suddenly felt someone touch my back. It was Chris, and then he came around and sat across the table from me. He began to explain how he cared dearly for me, and I meant more to him than this other woman could ever, but she was a more practical choice because she was closer in age. He then begged me to tell him what he should do, but I wouldn't.

His other woman entered the restaurant and he joined her at a table on the other side of the restaurant from me. I got up to leave, determined not to sit there in disgust. It was outside the restaurant that there was another man, waiting for me. We walked down the hall. We kept walking and were soon completely out of sight of the previous location. There was no one around and the man gently kissed me. I looked up and stunned, I saw Chris standing there in the distance starring at us. He had come after me, to tell me he had decided on me. But instead of finding me with open arms, he found me in the arms of another man.

We didn't talk after this for several years.

Finally after a great amount of time, I went to one of his recitals. At the reception I went and sat next to him, and we began talking. Though he had not been expecting me, and neither had known I was coming, he did not seem surprised by my presence. In fact, he showed little to no emotion toward it at all. We began talking as we did before that lustrous night when we enjoyed that first drink together.

Again, though I have fallen in love with Chris' music and piano playing over and over again, and I sincerely wished it were a person thirty years younger serenading me through my stereo, this dream,was and is just that, a dream. It is my thought, that this dream has much more to do with my experience with a certain ladies man (HA!) last night.

Virginia Faith at 1:40 PM

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Monday, July 31, 2006

Rejected again. Strike one million nine thousand five hundered and one. It's a good thing I don't live by baseball rules. If i did, I would have been out a long time ago. Why is it this hard? It wasn't this hard when I fell for the nerd with the long dark hair. It's almost enough to make me miss that. Almost...

Virginia Faith at 6:29 PM

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Monday, July 24, 2006

Maybe at some point I will figure out a name for him, but at this moment of time I am so tired that all I can do is think about how little the muscles in my body want to work, about how I really hope I am not a snorer, and how I am gonna have a bruise on the side of my head from being kneed by someone in an orange (pronounced or-ange, not ar-ange) sleeping bag.

Back to the point, my nameless love, well at this point his isn't quite a love, I just like how it sounds to call people love, which is a result of watching Pirates of the Caribbean too many times, and I just noticed that I ramble a lot when I am tired....

The point--He is either incredibly imperceptible, or he is uninterested. I am hesitant to believe the later for two reasons. The first, the obvious reason, is that I am possessed enough to believe that I am attractive and question any person who passes on me, though given my relationship with rejection you would think I would believe the contrary. The second is granted this person's relationship with rejection, he might like to have a name to put in that little black book of his.

I flirted relentlessly with him all day yesterday. He may have just thought I was being myself, since I do have a reputation to be flirty on a regular basis. But since I was flirting with him more than anyone else in the room, that would be a tip off, yes? Apparently not. I suppose since I never used to flirt with him, but I have lately been very flirty, he has absolutely no reason to sense an attraction. Makes sense to me too. I'm glad we are all on the same page now...

Virginia Faith at 8:08 AM

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Saturday, July 22, 2006

When I am unhappy, I eat. But I will not be happy until I am thin. Talk about the most vicious of vicious circles.

Virginia Faith at 11:00 PM

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Friday, July 21, 2006

hi, virginia-
i'm looking forward to seeing you at sunriver.
i've been practicing hard, so it'll hopefully be worth your trip!
see you soon,
chris

It is unfortunate that Chris O'Riley is too old for me. Maybe he will go for my mother.

Virginia Faith at 4:19 PM

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Yesterday I was in a car, and I saw another car drive by that from the front looked just like my mystery man's car. When I saw the back of the vehicle, and the driver, it was obvious that it was not him. Not two seconds later, as I was making a slightly disappointed face to myself, my mystery man did drive by. It was the strangest coincidence ever.

Virginia Faith at 12:24 PM

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Monday, July 17, 2006

I came to school this morning irritated because it was Monday morning. But as I walked through the doors of this not so luxurious school, there was mystery man, holding the door for me. I hardly recognized him at first glance, mainly because it was so out of context. But the more I think about it, the more, it really isn't out of context at all. Come to find out, I could have seen my mystery man everyday last week. Always disappointments with this one. Unfortunately, that is how it always has to be. And--now I may have to be forced to choose between time with guitar boy, and time with mystery man. Grumble....

Virginia Faith at 7:53 AM

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Monday, July 10, 2006

I have now done two things I would not do under normal circumstances for this guy. (1) I created a myspace. (2) I ate a hamburger! Yes, I, for the first time in my high school experience, ate a hamburger. I wasn't going to eat the whole thing either, I mean this thing was huge. But no, "You have to eat the whole thing. I've got no plans today. We aren't leaving till you eat it all." Oh yes, I ate the whole thing. All I have to say is, take it or leave it, I still don't care for meat very much.

Virginia Faith at 2:40 PM

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Saturday, July 08, 2006

So much for making an effort to get along with and be nice to my mother. Apparently common sense is above me. Yeh, that's makes me feel very intelligent. Just keep 'em coming.

Virginia Faith at 8:28 PM

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I had a lot of fun tonight, I honestly did. And I will now take the time to apologize for being crabby, jealous, and unnecessarily cold to a person who has always been friendly to me, even when I don't think she really wanted to be. -My sincerest apology.

Virginia Faith at 12:31 AM

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Saturday, July 01, 2006

I saw him again the other day. Only this time, it was even more unsatisfying. He didn't even know I saw him. It was from far away. Why do I keep running into him when I least except it? Talk about cruel and unfair.

You might think you know who my mystery man is, but let me tell you, you are wrong. You have no idea.

Virginia Faith at 3:18 PM

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I saw someone today. It was nice to see him (yes, of course it was a he), but it was so unsatisfying that I almost wish I hadn't. This someone is one whose name I will never mention. He was driving away in his car and he waved to me from afar; I waved back...And that was it. It was good to see him. But I wish I had been able to speak to him, and hold a meaningful conversation. Before, sure I thought about him, but It was okay because I didn't expect to see him all summer. But now, now I am unsatisfied and disappointed. I must see him again, which is not entirely unlikely. Next time we meet though, I sincerely hope to be able to talk to my man of mystery.

Virginia Faith at 9:40 PM

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A friend once told me that I lack in personality flaws. Through the last couple days I have felt quite the contrary. I am not sure of the cause of this sudden self examination, but it makes me wonder-- is it getting worse or am I just becoming more sensitive? I have always had a low tolerance level, but when did I become intolerant of myself?

For starters, I dislike when I see nothing wrong with an idea, or I have an opinion of my own, but then I am persuading by someone else to think otherwise. Then when I voice my new opinion, it turns out to be wrong, or the person I am arguing with has a better argument, but his argument is supporting what I originally believed. Recently, I initially thought a situation was a really good idea, but was then persuaded differently. I voiced my new opinion, and I think I was too easily persuaded for selfish reasons. I now feel like somewhat of an ass. This brings me to my next flaw.

I have a tendency to be selfish, particularly in friendships. Sometimes I just don't want to share my friends. Which brings me to maybe the largest issue.

Jealousy. I try so hard not to be jealous, but I just don't know how to turn it off. I don't want to be jealous. Maybe if I keep saying that over and over again it will come true.

In general, it is my belief that I am simply over sensitive. I need to lighten up, take a breathe of fresh air, slow things down, take things less seriously. I am too sensitive, especially when it comes to certain people. I focus too much on certain people's opinions, I over analyze what they say to the point of insanity.

Okay-- here comes the hard part: change. Think I can do it? Oh come on, have a little faith.

Virginia Faith at 11:43 PM

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A Reno pawn shop owner has been charged with murder in his estranged wife's killing and is being sought for questioning in the sniper shooting of a judge who was involved with his divorce case, police confirmed Tuesday. Police launched a manhunt for Darren Roy Mack after Family Court Judge Chuck Weller was shot Monday in the chest by a sniper through the window of his third floor office in the Washoe County courthouse complex.
(for more: http://http://www.kolotv.com/home/headlines/3043141.html)

It is hard to believe this actually happened. But I'm sure all of us have thought this once or twice throughout the past couple days. I look forward to many days ahead when the bastard has been captured, and this is all behind us with the Wellers in good health and spirits.

Virginia Faith at 11:32 PM

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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Another strike for Virginia today. Let's just see how many times my heart can be ripped out and stepped on before I go literally insane. This entire school year as been one stab after another after another. It's becoming ridiculous. I know I'm not ugly, so what's the deal? Well I'm not giving up on this one so easily. After all I didn't exactly get rejected. I waited once before and that worked out. I waited a long time for that. I think I will wait again. I don't want to give up. I don't want to.

Virginia Faith at 10:16 PM

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319 home equity loans

By Anonymous, at 2:19 AM

Monday, April 03, 2006

pain n.
1. An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.
2. Suffering or distress.

There is nothing else to say.

Virginia Faith at 9:37 AM

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Monday, March 27, 2006

I have returned from Indianapolis, and I have returned with more than a suitcase full of dirty laundry...much, much more. To try and describe this emotion, this kind of high, I'm quite certain is impossible. However, I will tell you about the incredible, life changing experience I had.

I want to start with the best part, but the best comes toward the end and I feel I should start at the beginning. Suspense anyone?

My first plane ride, Wednesday, was quite inconsequential, much as I had expected. This day was full just a bunch of waiting around and getting used to the new atmosphere.

Thursday morning we had chair auditions. I was nervous, but I had a very good audition. I played all of the notes well and thought I had done spectacular. Much to my surprise I received last chair in the first violin section. But as I was sitting in a rehearsal I realized, that I was sitting last chair because I was bad, I was sitting there because everyone else was just that good. For the first time in my life the audition was not about who messed up the least.

Our first rehearsal with Ben Zander was later that night. It was incredible. Ben Zander is truly an amazing man. He genuinely cares about every single person in the orchestra. He came up and talked to me after the rehearsal and I told about how I auditioned for the orchestra specifically to meet Christopher O'Riley, my hero, my idol, an absolute musical genius. Maestro Zander was very impressed by this.

Skipping ahead to the best part....Our last rehearsal on Friday night: I knew Christopher O'Riley would be coming in during the middle of the rehearsal. I rarely took my eyes off the door. I wanted to be the first person to be aware of his arrival. And then he did. My face must have gone absolutely pale, because I felt that my heart might stop cold. I looked back at another girl in my section and she just smiled at me, she knew just how much this meant to me. He sat down and started playing with us and I watched his face as he played. My goodness! It was like you knew exactly what he was feeling by watching his face. It was incredible.

Then at the break I got up to go introduce myself. I think I was actually so nervous that I never technically introduced myself; I just started telling him how wonderful he was and what an honor to play with him it was. Then Ben Zander walks by and stops to say, "This is the one! This is the one I told you about! She came here for you!" He had already told him about me! How incredible! Mr. O'Riley and I continued to talk and he told me about his upcoming albums and practicing earlier that day. He talked to me as if we were not meeting for the first time and as if he weren't this famous musician and I weren't just some young fan. It was truly incredible. Then I got my picture taken with him.

Later after the rehearsal he played some of his pieces for us. It was incredible. I had been listening to those very songs on my ipod earlier that day, and now I am hearing him, the actually person, play these songs in person. How incredible! His fingers are like lightening. Even in the slower songs there is still a really fast background part. He is so amazing.

Then afterward, I was afraid I would have nothing for him to sign, so I found a random blank paper for him to sign. He asked my name to sign it, and I gave it to him. Then he says, "Oh, that is my sister's name." That was pretty cool. The he introduced me to his lovely fiancee, Michelle. She was also incredible nice to me. I went back to the hotel room that night and cried because I was so excited.

Saturday night was the concert. We went on stage and performed late that night, and after he played and got a standing ovation, it was all I could do not to cry right there on stage. I couldn't hold it back though. I hope no one saw that.

Then afterward my dad graciously loaned my money to go and get his new album, that isn't even in stores yet. He signed it, and he didn't even have to ask my name to sign it, he already knew it. I got a picture of him signing it. And then I shaked his hand once more and told him how much of a pleasure it was to play with him. Then I went and cried again.

Later I went back to the table where he was signing and talked with him for awhile. We walked down to the reception together, talking about my future as a musician. He gave me so many encouraging words. It was truly amazing. And his fiance, she was just so nice to me. Then later after talking to me for awhile, he hugs me. He hugged me! Wow! Then, Michelle hugs me! It was absolutely great. Later I got another picture of him with Ben Zander. It was such a great night. He was preparing to leave, and he was sure to say goodbye to me before he left. He was great and so considerate. It was such a dream come true.

I already looked at his schedule of concerts and am going to amke a trip out to Oregon in August to see him play again. I am so excited.

I thought I had my life figured out before. I was going to go to college here or possibly in San Francisco, but pro'bly here. Now, now I don't know. Now I really want to go to the New England Music Conservatory. I want to see the country and travel more. I don't know that I want to teach at a university. I have way more options than I thought. My mind set is completely different. I feel like a completely different person. This was just such an incredibly life changing experience.

If you are not familiar with Christopher O'Riley, I strongly encourage you to visit his website at www.christopheroriley.com .

Virginia Faith at 11:59 AM

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I am going to take this brief moment to act like a total girl. I just got the prom pictures that we took at the actual dance itself. Not only do I look totally hot, but he looks totally hot, AND we look totally hot together. I'm very happy he was the one to accompany me. It would never have been the same with anyone else.

Virginia Faith at 11:56 AM

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

By the way, I would like the thank my dear friend, the tall and hansome tuba player, for a wonder and incredibly fun night.

Virginia Faith at 12:36 PM

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boredom:
n : the feeling of being bored by something tedious [syn: ennui, tedium]

This is how I feel, except forget by something tedious. You can replace those words with everything. I am so easily irritated by things and people right now, more than usual. I just had possibly the best night of my life as of yet. I should be happy. But instead I am being forced the face the fact that is I may never get any closer to the one person I have met that I have clicked with on every level. For once in my life I can go past the normal superficial conversation and talk about something that matters. But it doesn't mater. Why doesn't it matter?...because I'm stuck in high school. I could be upstairs making pointless conversation with my friends right now, but what would it matter. Nothing would change by it. My presence would have no bearing. My absense also has no bearing. It is for this reason that I sit here, at computer number twenty, typing away my lunch hour, dwelling on the lack of deepth in this semester of my high school experience.

Virginia Faith at 12:21 PM

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Saturday, February 25, 2006

He said YES!

I'm going to have the hottest date there.

Virginia Faith at 4:27 PM

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Geesh. What a day. Everyone knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when. And of course, no one like to get their heart broken. I am glad we finally talked, but at least before, how ever improbable, I had no facts to spoil my daydreaming. All of that thinking I have been doing all this time -- for nothing. Not to be cliche or anything, but how can something that feels so right, be so wrong? Well, no more can be done. Just remember that if you ever change your mind, I'm still here. That's that

I have no doubt there will soon be another infatuation. More to come...

Virginia Faith at 9:22 PM

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I was wandering around my house in boredom, when I saw my purple binder of piano music that I played in middle school. I opened it up and I started to play Solfeggietto. As I was playing, all of these memories started coming into my head. The first one was when I had first moved in with my Father in seventh grade and we were at Maytan's looking to purchase a piano. I was playing the minor part of Fur Elise on the pianos to try them out. I remember the man who was helping us out was impressed. But I also remember thinking he must have been an idiot and definitely not a pianist because if he were he would have know that I was playing a very simple passage of a very famous piece that every wanna-be pianist plays.

Then I got to the development into the first big chord part, and I started to remember how when I told my step sister I was thinking about moving back in with my mom, all she could say was how selfish I was, because my Father had bought me this nice piano when I moved in. And the more I thought about this as I was playing, the angrier I got, and the piece just accompanied my emotions so appropriately. It was like I was playing the sound track to my thoughts.

Virginia Faith at 3:28 PM

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Monday, December 19, 2005

Fortune cookie: The only way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

Unfortunately I do realize this and that is my biggest problem. I am too afraid of losing his friendship. I am tired of being tactful. Can't we just always be completely honest with people about feelings without having to worry about rejection? It's not even the rejection so much as the potential humiliation. I definitely disagree with this fortune. Realizing that love might be lost stands in the way of love. Lost and love are enemies. It's like lost is Satan and love is God. Lost will do anything to get in the way of love's work, and it is the people working for the purpose of love that get the consequences.

Virginia Faith at 10:12 PM

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Monday, December 12, 2005

I cannot begin to describe to you the amount of stress this production has caused me. I have had endless arguments with people I usually have no problem tolerating. I have experienced frequent frustration from rehearsals being canceled with out any notice. I have been angered to the point of screaming because of sound problems. I have gone days this past week where all I had time to eat was a couple of crackers, and that would be I would get to eat all day. Needless to say I have lost quite a bit of weight this week.

Regardless of the endless pain this production has caused me, nothing beats standing backstage behind a curtain with 30 seconds before I go on stage, my heart beating, my stomach flipping, and in my mind I begin to worry about every possible thing that could go wrong. But then I strut on stage like it is mine to own, and I look out into the audience with the lights flaring down on me, and all I have the capacity to think about is the way I am relating with the audience.

This single feeling is what makes all the time, all the stress, all the frustration worth it in the end.

Virginia Faith at 10:16 PM

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Sunday, December 04, 2005

I am trying to put this picture as my opening picture now. This was once the skin on Tim's blog and I just happened to have it saved on my computer. But for me to put this picture into my html it has to be located in the web. Well now it is. We shall see if this works.

Virginia Faith at 6:35 PM

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Saturday, December 03, 2005

"I like playing what you write," says a girl with long, wavy hair after rehearsal as Haskell breezes past her on the way to the copy machine.

Without stopping, he returns the salute: "I like writing for you."

Haskell says she plays tuba and electric violin and is one of the top 50 high school musicians in the country. "There isn't any music for concert electric violin," Haskell says. "So I had to create it."
- From this week's copy of the Reno News&Review

Yes that is correct, this article is talking about me. Though it doesn't actually say my name anywhere in the article, and it calls me "the girl with wavy hair" rather than "the girl with curly hair", I was still very flattered he called me "one of the top 50 musicians in the country". The other flaw of the article is that it never once mentions the time or place of the performance for Edge!, even though Edge! Is the topic of the article. So I feel it is my responsibility to do so.
Thursday Dec 8 7pm @ the Reno High School Little Theater
Friday Dec 9 7pm @ the Reno High School Little Theater
Saturday Dec 10 2pm @ the Reno High School Little Theater
Monday Dec 12 7pm @ the Reno High School Little Theater
The cover is $3 at the door, but it will be well worth it. The show is going to be awesome. Please come and support the girl with the long wavy hair.

Virginia Faith at 11:14 PM

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Monday:
Apparently people need a little lesson in common courtesy, because it has recently become apparent that certain people have none. I go out to my car after school, and it had been raining during the day so my window was wet. When I get in my car I go to turn on my window wipers, but a lot of good that did. Somebody had stolen my window wipers. Now I'm not really sure if this happened over the four day weekend or there at school, so I couldn't go and report it to the school police. So I am flustered and I get out of my car to wipe off my window. I go to get back in my car, and the door is locked. Unfortunately it does not end here. Not only am I locked out of my car, but my car is still running. It's a good thing I had enough gas in my tank. My mother had to come down from work and unlock my car. Now, none of this would have happened had someone been a little more mature and courteous, and not STOLEN MY WINDOW WIPERS!

Tuesday:
I love it when past crushes just pop up into my life again. It was such a pleasant surprise to see my very attractive clarinet friend again. I had forgotten that he had the ability to make anyone feel like they were the most important person in the world by merely hugging them. Past tense of draw, opposite of east, feel free so pop up in my life whenever you want to.

Wednesday:
Honor Band auditions...If any other tuba player from my school had beaten me in HB auditions, oh boy would there have been hell to pay. But that didn't happen, luckily for them. I left the audition room feeling like I nailed the audition and I was going to get a great chair this year. Did that happen though? No. For the third year in a row I am last chair, that is sixth chair. Yes you read it --6, 6, 6. Aside from this being the mark of beast, it just sucks. Oh well, at least I am in. Plus it gave me a chance to hang out with some very attractive boys( a couple of tuba players, a bassoonist, a couple of oboe players). Nope, It wasn't all bad.

Thursday:
We seriously practiced the Messiah till 9:50. Okay, when it is that late, practicing is absolutely pointless. I was so brain dead after that. Aside from my fatigue, my clarinet friend wasn't there, and I was so looking forward to seeing him. If he had been there, it would have made the extensive rehearsal worth it.

Friday:
First of all...YES! Oh how I love Friday. I am very sad that my tall friend is chopping off his hair today. He is pro'bly right in saying, if it were up to me, no one would ever get a hair cut. I'm sure his hair will still be good. I don't think there is much you can do to make him less attractive, but still, longer hair = better.

Yes, I think that about sums up the week.

Virginia Faith at 5:26 PM

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Sunday, November 20, 2005

difficult- hard to deal with, manage, or overcome

I am trying very hard to be okay with this. I want him to be happy, but at the same time I want something to go wrong. At least now I am to the point where I can talk to him about how I am feeling. That helps me. And thank God for my tall friend. He always finds a way to get me in good spirits in one window on my computer screen, when on another window my heart is breaking. All I have to do is switch screens and he makes it okay.

Virginia Faith at 10:06 PM

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{xoxo}

Name: Virginia Faith
DOB: February 22
Hobbies: Music
Heros: Christopher O'Riley, Joshua Bell, Bond(the string quartet), Vanessa-Mae

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Contact Me! VBViolin@aol.com AIM- VBViolin Thank you for visiting my blog. Visit frequently for updates!

Thanks!
Virginia Faith

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