Friday, May 11, 2007

I have realized tonight that my life is never going to be drama free, especially in the near future. This is a truism I must learn to except. My goal is to stop becoming miserable by drama and learn to just deal with it.

Tonight I went to Nick's after a mostly nice dinner with my old friends. I laid there with Nick and cried while he passed out. I didn't understand at first, I thought he was just sleeping so I thought to myself, "How can you just fall asleep with me laying on your shoulder crying so violently?" I don't know that he knew I was crying until he woke up with my black make-up on his shirt. Finally I sat up and looked at him with his closed eyes. He was twitching. "Look at me." He partially opened his eyes and then closed them. "Look at me!" He wouldn't even open them at all this time. So I decided I couldn't sit there and watch him sleep. So I got up, tried to wake him up to tell him I was leaving, and he wouldn't wake up. I whispered, "Baby. Babe wake up." Nothing. I touched my hand to his face, nothing. I kissed his arm, nothing. "Baby wake up. NICK." "hum?" "I'm gonna go." "Hm-k."

I grabbed my stuff, and walked out of his apartment. I got outside, leaned on the railing and started to cry loudly. Then I began to think. It came down to this: I could be miserable at Jim's, my ex-boyfriend, 21st birthday party, or I could be miserable alone at home. When it came down to it, I didn't care that he was asleep. I'd rather be miserable right where I was. So I went down to my car, got my laptop, and went back up to the apartment to find him just where I left him.

I sat down, pulled out my laptop and played a countless number of games of solitaire. It was almost silent in the room. Every now and then there would be a noise from outside, or from a room neighboring his. Nick would roll over or wake up slightly and itch his nose, which was good because it let me know he was still alive and breathing. Most of the noise in that hour and a half though was from his pet rat, Fink. The rat rarely comes out and socializes when I am there, possibly because of the faint aroma of cat that settles on my clothing. But this time she came out and she was sneezing, scratching, cleaning herself, eating, climbing...that rat was busy. She really is a cute thing. She kept me company. I wanted him to wake up so badly. I keep thinking, "maybe if Fink makes enough noise he will wake up." But he didn't. Maybe if Mike comes home he will wake up. So I waited for Mike to get there.

Mike finally did come home. He walked into the open door to Nick's room and found me sitting at his desk, make-up smeared, computer in lap. It was at that moment that I realized that maybe he hadn't just fallen asleep, and maybe, just maybe it was a good thing that I had come back. Mike and I talked for awhile. I always knew Mike was a really cool guy, but he really showed it that night. Nick is lucky to have him as such a close friend. I don't know if Nick heard us talking. He woke up about ten minutes after Mike and I finished our conversation. Ultimately I think it was the noise form the television that woke him up.

He woke up, we talked a little, and then we went out and hung out with Mike. If i had left when I did, I would have left feeling sad and hopeless. I stayed, and I came home and didn't cry. I wouldn't say I am happy, oh no. I wouldn't say that I am content. Right now I am breathing. I just wish I could make this go away for him. I know I focus a lot on how I feel about this, but it is because I want him to be okay. I am used to fixing things when they go bad, but I don't know how to fix this. I don't think it is in my power.

Virginia Faith at 11:49 PM

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{xoxo}

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